Are you lonely and without friends?

[Jacob]

It is a common complaint many people have, that they don't have any
friends. It is true that some people find it easier to make friends
than others because of certain natural advantages. Some are by nature
outgoing (extroverts) and it seems that they never lack friends, while
others who are generally reserved by nature find it difficult to make
new friends. But there is also another side to it, that these so called
introverts, when they do make friends, may turn out to be more reliable
and self sacrificing as friends!

When people complain that they don't have friends and nobody wants to
make friends with them, it is quite possible that they may have to take
some blame for it themselves. And it is also possible that once they
set out to correct some of their approaches to friendship they too can
find good friends.

One version of the Bible says that those have friends must show
themselves to be friendly (Pr.18:24 KJV). This means that we must
visibly demonstrate our desire and willingness to be friends. Our
behaviour and approach must convince others that we are inclined to be
friendly towards them. An expression of warmth including a welcoming
smile, a strong handshake, and words of acceptance will go a long way
in making friends.

What are some of the reasons why it can be difficult to make friends?

1. We are so much occupied with ourselves that we don't have much
interest in others except in what they can do for us. Others can easily
notice this.

2. We have such a poor self image that it is difficult for us to open
up to the others. We feel guilty of our past or conscious of our lacks
and we expect that nobody can ever love us.

3. We have such a high opinion of ourselves that we don't see any need
for others. This gives us such an air about us.

4. Some of the poor responses we have received in the past make us
hesitate.

5. We have had some bad experiences with some people and we don't trust
anyone.

6. We want something from friends, but we are not willing to sacrifice
anything for them.

7. We are unwilling to bear with weaknesses or forgive sins in others.

We need friends. God has made us that way. If God has accepted us in
Christ, we don't have to feel inadequate or unworthy. On the other
hand, if we want to have friends we must be willing to accept them as
they come, and be willing to love them and care for them. Jesus said
that a good friend will lay his life down for his friends (Jn.15:13).
If we are like that, we can also expect to get friends like that
(Pr.22:11).

Many lonely people are willing to give up their principles in order to
get or to retain their friends. But this will only bring them great
sorrow and damage in the end (Jas.4:4).

Building up friendships may take time, and it calls for a give and
take. But it is worth it.

http://www.c-n-c.org

[B.G. Kent]

thankyou for such a good post. I find that to have friends..you have to
first be a friend. Get out of yourself and your own concerns and think
about others....treat others how you would want to be treated. Give others
a chance. Most people are inherently good I figure.

Don't look for friends in the bottom of a bottle or in drugs....find what
you like to do..and gather others who also like to do this around
you...you will have instant friends.

Blessings
Bren

--

[Matthew Johnson]

Post by Jacob
It is a common complaint many people have, that they don't have any
friends. It is true that some people find it easier to make friends
than others because of certain natural advantages. Some are by nature
outgoing (extroverts) and it seems that they never lack friends,

But those 'friends' often turn out to be friends in name only. See the
JPS correction of your translation of Pro 18:24 below. Nor is this the
only place where Proverbs gives us this warning.

Post by Jacob
while others who are generally reserved by nature find it difficult
to make new friends. But there is also another side to it, that these
so called introverts, when they do make friends, may turn out to be
more reliable and self sacrificing as friends!

Sometimes, yes. But sometimes they just turn out to be the socially
isolated people of Pro 18:1:

He that separateth himself seeketh his own desire,
and snarlest against all sound wisdom. (Pro 18:1 JPS)

Me'Am Lo'Ez and other Jewish commentators explain that this one word
translated "he that separateth himself", NiPhRaD (H6504 Niphal
participle), refers to a socially isolated person.

That said, it would be rash to assume that every 'introvert' is a
NiPhRaD.

Post by Jacob
When people complain that they don't have friends and nobody wants to
make friends with them, it is quite possible that they may have to
take some blame for it themselves.

No doubt it is. But it is also possible that those who want to pin the
blame on them are even more mistaken, and are condeming the innocent
as guilty, which is _another_ thing Proverbs warns us away from (Pro
17:15).

Post by Jacob
And it is also possible that once they set out to correct some of
their approaches to friendship they too can find good friends.

And it is also possible that once they set out to 'correct' these,
they are bombarded by ill-advice from their so-called 'friends'.

Post by Jacob
One version of the Bible says that those have friends must show
themselves to be friendly (Pr.18:24 KJV).

But this is a doubtful reading of the Proverb. For starters, notice
that the Jewish Publication Society does not agree. It has:

There are friends that one hath to his own hurt; but there is a
friend that sticketh closer than a brother. (Pro 18:24 JPS)

See how different this is? And many other translations (e.g. RSV) are
closer to this JPS translation than to the KJV.

And this is no accident, it is with VERY good reason. For the KJV
translators seem to have been fooled by a superficial similarity of
H7489 ""R with H7462 H"R. They think that BOTH words have the same
root meaning, 'friend' (one being the verb, the other the noun). But
in truth, the verb has nothing to do with friendship, but means
'break', 'shatter' or even 'harm'.

Post by Jacob
This means that we must visibly demonstrate our desire and
willingness to be friends.

Well, it would, if not for the KJV error. But as it is, Pro 18:24
means nothing of the sort. Not even close.

Post by Jacob
Our behaviour and approach must convince others that we are inclined
to be friendly towards them. An expression of warmth including a
welcoming smile, a strong handshake, and words of acceptance will go
a long way in making friends.

This sounds more like the 'philosophy' of Dale Carnegie than of
Proverbs. Not only does the JPS translation of Pro 18:24 correct this,
but so does a simple "comparative study" of friendship in
Proberbs. See, for example, Pro 13:20, 17:17 18:17 and 22:24.

In particular, how can it be good to _seem_ friendly to others, when
the very same Book of the Bible teaches us to be circumspect, allowing
him to call me my _friend_ only who will stick with me in adversity?
This _is_ the meaning of:

A friend loveth at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity. (Pro 17:17 JPS)

Similarly, we are very explicitly warned away from making friends with
those Solomon calls 'fools'. I will not, of course, try to establish,
(in this post), just who he is referring to as 'fools'; but again,
this is a warning to be selective:

He that walketh with wise men shall be wise;
but the companion of fools shall smart for it. (Pro 13:20 JPS)

Post by Jacob
What are some of the reasons why it can be difficult to make friends?

Because those Solomon warns us away from are so numerous?

[snip]

Post by Jacob
Building up friendships may take time, and it calls for a give and
take. But it is worth it.

True, but aside from your mis-translation, proto-canonical Scriptures
says little about this,and indirectly (e.g. through the example of
David and Jonathan). Examples of bad 'friends' are MUCH more numerous
in Scripture (as in life). Consider, for example, the young men
Solomon's son Rehoboam turned to for advice, when he split the kingdom
into two with his folly (1 Kings 12:1-16).

So if you really want to make your case, turn instead to the Wisdom of
Jesus Son of Sirach, whose encomium of friendship (meaning true
friends, of course) is so famous. Even if you cannot accept it as
canonical Scripture, then at least accept it as a witness to how
Scripture was interpreted by the Jews.

The RSV translation has, for example:

and do not become an enemy instead of a friend; for a bad name
incurs shame and reproach: so fares the double-tongued sinner. Do
not exalt yourself through your soul's counsel, lest your soul be
torn in pieces like a bull. You will devour your leaves and destroy
your fruit, and will be left like a withered tree. An evil soul
will destroy him who has it, and make him the laughingstock of his
enemies. A pleasant voice multiplies friends, and a gracious tongue
multiplies courtesies. Let those that are at peace with you be
many, but let your advisers be one in a thousand. When you gain a
friend, gain him through testing, and do not trust him hastily. For
there is a friend who is such at his own convenience, but will not
stand by you in your day of trouble. And there is a friend who
changes into an enemy, and will disclose a quarrel to your
disgrace. And there is a friend who is a table companion, but will
not stand by you in your day of trouble. In prosperity he will make
himself your equal, and be bold with your servants; but if you are
brought low he will turn against you, and will hide himself from
your presence. Keep yourself far from your enemies, and be on guard
toward your friends. A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter: he that
has found one has found a treasure. There is nothing so precious as
a faithful friend, and no scales can measure his excellence. (Sir
6:1-15 RSVA)

Yes, it is annoying that the RSVA starts 6:1 in
mid-sentence. Unfortunately, I don't have time to post my own
translation here, so I am leaving it with that fault. It is to the
detriment of the passage, but not fatally so.

After all, even with this fault, one can see that Jesus the son of
Sirach has covered just about everything Solomon covered (in the
proverbs named above), expressed it more directly and clearly, AND
explained more things about friendship.

Also, even when he _sounds_ like he is saying the same thing you say,
he _immediately_ corrects that impression with: "gain him through
TESTING".

Finally, I also want to point out that he rounds it all off very
nicely with:

A faithful friend is an elixir of life; and those who fear the Lord
will find him. Whoever fears the Lord directs his friendship
aright, for as he is, so is his neighbor also. (Sir 6:16-17 RSVA)

Now see how he too, answers the question, "how are we to find true
friends, even if we have difficulty doing it?". I like his answer
better than Dale Carnegie's, even if it too is hard to accept -- for a
completely different reason.

For notice that unlike in Carnegie, Jesus son of Sirach puts fear of
the Lord and love of Wisdom FIRST. If you have these, then all the
rest of what you need will follow, just as in Mat 6:25-34.

So why might it be "hard to accept"? Because some of us are convinced
that we have long had these things, (fear of the Lord and love of
Wisdom), yet are still waiting for these other needs. And we grow
tired of waiting. But this IS characteristic of the spiritual
struggle. We must wait with faith, no matter how long we wait. And our
'waiting' must not be passive, doing nothing, but active in following
the commandments.

[b***@juno.com]

Post by B.G. Kent
Don't look for friends in the bottom of a bottle or in drugs....find what
you like to do..and gather others who also like to do this around
you...you will have instant friends.

The best place to find friends is at church.

But don't go into a church with the attitude, "How can I have MY needs
met?" Instead, go into a church with the attitude, "How can I meet
OTHER people's needs."

To paraphrase JFK, "Ask not what your church can do for you. Ask what
you can do for your church."

If you go into a new church with that kind of unselfish attitude, and
start serving in some kind of ministry like choir or teaching children
in Sunday School....... and if you hang on for a long enough
time....... you will find that you can make deep, lasting friendships.

God's people, although certainly not perfect, are a delight to be
around. "This is how they will know you are my disciples. If you love
one another."

[Matthew Johnson]

Post by B.G. Kent
thankyou for such a good post.

I should have known that a bad post, based almost _entirely_ on a complete
mistranslation of Pro 18:24, would receive your commendation, Brenda.

For you really have shown a pattern: if an idea expressed in this NG is
unspeakably evil, you endorse it. Sure, you endorse lesser evils, too. But your
endorsement is a very good sign that something is in truth, bad.

Again: the Bible NOWHERE recommends such a breezy attitude to friendship. On the
contrary: it gives many examples of how "evil communications corrupt good ways",
and many warnings to be very choosywith your friends. See the citations in my
reply to Jacob.

[snip]